Also M Night Shyamalan. Of course.
5. The Hangover Part III
If ever a film deserves a hefty Kermodian sigh, it’s The Hangover Part III. The original was a solid enough comedy, but the first sequel was about as hateful as a movie can possibly be. The trailers for The Hangover Part III clearly departed from the format and, despite not being all that funny, looked to have learnt lessons. Unfortunately, the final film learnt none of those lessons.
It’s every bit as unfunny as the second film. Admittedly, it’s not as offensive and does have a couple of funny moments, but it’s still a woeful missed opportunity with a neat line in lazy racial stereotypes. Even John Goodman can’t save it from being rubbish.
4. The Purge
On paper, The Purge looked like a solid idea. It had the potential to explore the ramifications of a society in which crime is illegal for one night every year. Instead, it just killed a lot of people. Any social commentary that may have been there was buried deep beneath the hour and a half of shooting things and wandering around in the dark.
More than perhaps any other film this year, The Purge reeks of missed opportunity. It just needed to shift focus from Purge Night itself to the way it affected the wider world and it would’ve been a much better film. Unfortunately, though, this is another example of a good horror idea ruined by ham-fisted execution.
3. After Earth
Will Smith was the most bankable star in the world. On the evidence of After Earth, that’s no longer true. It’ll probably just about break even at the box office, but it’s an utterly woeful film. Both Smith and his son Jaden are entirely wooden and soul-crushingly boring in their respective roles.
The plot unfolds like a video game where the player deliberately chooses the most boring path and the climax surprised absolutely no-one. It’s not M Night Shyamalan’s worst film, but it’s certainly one of the worst of this year so far.
2. Scary Movie 5
It’s baffling that this series still manages to get people through the door and into the cinema. The entire soundtrack to Scary Movie 5 might as well have been the noise of something scraping the bottom of a barrel. By the hundredth time someone got hit in the face with a frying pan, I was already long gone.
For reasons best known to itself, it decides to combine parodies of films released a few years ago (Black Swan, Inception, etc) with films that were playing in cinemas down the hallway at the time, such as Evil Dead and Mama. This meant that the films were either things from so long ago that they were too old to be funny or films nobody had really seen yet.
It was a risky strategy. Not as risky as failing to write jokes though.
1. Movie 43
Six months ago, in my list of the worst films of 2012, I claimed that Keith Lemon: The Film was the worst movie ever made. I firmly expected it to stay that way for a very long time. But then, Movie 43 came along.
Featuring a selection of sketches that star a series of very famous, and often very talented, actors, Movie 43 is a baffling creation. It’s beyond my comprehension that any human being could’ve considered this train wreck fit for human consumption.
It’s not just that it’s rubbish, crass, lavatorial, unfunny, offensive, stupid, vomit-inducing, irritating, depressing, terrible, horrible, awful and a complete pile of shit. More problematic is that I can’t understand it in any way.
As I said in my review, “it’s the cinematic equivalent of watching an aeroplane full of screaming passengers crash… very slowly… on fire… into your own face.”